


the last time

by ijd00



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, M/M, mentioned markhyuck - Freeform, very introspective, yuta's thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-11-22 20:50:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20880479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ijd00/pseuds/ijd00
Summary: Sometimes Yuta wonders if it’s all worth it. Not being an idol, never that. It’s enabled him to meet so many wonderful people and travel the world in such a unique way that Yuta could never give it up.No, what Yuta wonders about is Sicheng.





	the last time

Dong Sicheng. Winwin. The love of Yuta’s life. The apple of his eye. The center of his universe. The pea in his pod. The - whatever other sappy shit he can think of.

The point is, Yuta’s always been a little bit in love with Sicheng and not afraid to show it. On camera he introduces himself as the one who loves Winwin, he constantly tries to get Sicheng to hug him, and he generally acts like a fool all in the name of love. Doyoung teases him for being cheesy and too over the top, but Yuta doesn’t know how else to express his affection.

Whenever he does the same kind of thing to Taeil or Taeyong, they might grimace a little, but always end up reciprocating his hugs. Some of the members, like Johnny or Donghyuck, Yuta can get to return his affection without question. Those two are always down for a good cuddle session that leaves Yuta’s soul feeling refreshed.

Sicheng though, without fail, will always skirt away. And he skirts away when Mark tries to pinch his cheeks too, but it’s with a little less haste. It’s like Sicheng can tolerate touching and skinship, but only when it’s not with Yuta. To be fair, Yuta’s usually the only one of them who takes it really far, but even simple things like ruffling Sicheng’s hair have him ducking out of the way.

Everyone always laughs when it happens, and so does Yuta, but internally he wonders what he did wrong. Is there something about him that makes him less desirable? He’s so afraid of asking because he doesn’t know what kind of thing Sicheng might say, and if it’s hurtful, Yuta doesn’t know if he could ever recover.

*******

Yuta watches how Donghyuck and Mark interact, notes differences between them on camera and off. For the most part, they act pretty much the same, but there are some noticeable changes. Here’s what he concludes.

On camera, Mark is more likely to shy away from Donghyuck’s affection, but to a lesser extent than he used to. Sometimes, he‘s the one who initiates the skinship, placing a hand on Donghyuck’s thigh and patting it absentmindedly, like he’s not even aware of his actions. Off camera, Mark is much more relaxed about letting Donghyuck cuddle into him and sneaking kisses on the cheek.

It makes sense. On camera they’re all hyper aware of how their movements and interactions will come across to fans. But Yuta can’t help but wonder if the difference between themselves on camera vs off ever bothers anyone. Sure, even he has his differences and a lot of what he presents to the camera is part of his “Nakamoto Yuta K-Pop Idol” face, but it’s also rooted in truth, in himself.

Besides, their fans all know that they present idealized images of themselves. A lot of their lives are captured on camera, especially during NCT Life where their real selves are more prone to slipping through, but they’ve all mastered the art of transitioning into idol mode without a second thought.

Yuta makes it exactly two weeks into February before cracking and confronting Donghyuck about him, Mark, and their relationship. He expects a strange look but instead, Donghyuck hums thoughtfully before responding.

“Of course it bothered me,” he says, “Every time Mark leaned away from me it hurt. It’s why we fought, don’t you remember hyung?”

Dear god does Yuta remember. It was around 2017 (and yes, he’s talking about the infamous Markhyuck Summer Fight of 2017, complete with capital letters) that the two stopped talking to each other. Contrary to expectations, their argument was more of a cold war than anything else, the only two real times anyone could hear shouting being the beginning and the end.

“Yes,” Yuta finally says, “I do remember.”

“It was about this,” Donghyuck admits, “Well, about Mark being uncomfortable with skinship on camera. He couldn’t understand why it upset me so much at first and I got mad at him so we stopped talking. And me not being affectionate with him was so strange to him that it made him upset as well, but he couldn’t figure out why. Eventually it boiled over and after shouting at each other, we talked and worked it out. Mark’s never going to be as affectionate as I am, but he’s stopped being so mean about rejecting me and has even started to initiate the touching.”

Talking about your problems instead of internalizing them. What a novel thought.

“Mark’s an idiot,” Yuta muses.

“Hey!” Donghyuck defends with a smile, “That’s my idiot you’re talking about.”

Then his expression sobers and Yuta gets the feeling that Donghyuck is trying to analyze something. Probably him.

“Yuta-hyung,” Donghyuck says, “Is this about Sicheng?”

Curse him for being observant.

But then again, when is it not about Sicheng.

*******

The thing is, Yuta knows that Sicheng likes him. They’re friends, both foreigners in a group full of Koreans (and blood Koreans), which bonded them in a very unique way. Yuta and Sicheng have spent nights on the couch in their dorm talking about how much they miss home, watching anime to lessen the pain. They teach each other little bits of each other’s language, and the first time Yuta tries to speak Sicheng’s particular dialect, Sicheng falls off the couch laughing.

In addition to both missing home, they both rarely get lines (Yuta pretends he never heard Sicheng cry about his one line in Chain, just like Sicheng pretends he never heard Yuta cry about his lack of lines in Limitless). There’s something about SM that just makes it seem like they respect their foreign artists less. The other thing they have is making up the other dynamic ‘95 / ‘97 duo.

It’s just, it’s hard to remember all of this with how Sicheng treats him half the time on camera. When his self control is really low Yuta goes onto YouTube and watches old videos of 127, watches fan made videos about him and Sicheng. The conclusion most of them come to is that Yuta is definitely more into the relationship than Sicheng is. Which, yeah Yuta knows that.

In all of his past relationships, he was always the one more into it. The one who initiated, made the first move, was more open in displaying his affection. He’s a fairly confident person, being the bolder one never bothered him. His first relationship ended because his partner felt Yuta was too invested, which stung a little, but they were fifteen so he let it go.

Now, nearly ten years later, Yuta finds himself facing a similar problem. He’s too invested in his relationship with Sicheng, and they aren’t even dating, so he just comes off as even more pathetic. And god isn’t that just the story of his life.

Pathetic and overly invested in a relationship that doesn’t actually exist.

*******

Sicheng is doing amazing in WayV and Yuta is honestly so happy for him. He can speak in his native language and have people understand him instinctively, without having to go through the process of mental translation. He has lines in the title track for once (thank you Take Off) and gets along well with everyone. He looks amazing (Yuta definitely didn’t screenshot the scene in Take Off where Sicheng is shirtless) and they still text each other.

But when he and the rest of 127 were on tour in North America, Yuta missed him. He and Sicheng used to talk about going when they were fresh off of their debut, wonder what it would be like to hear their international fans chanting their names. When they got the announcement about the tour, they all screamed like little kids and Yuta swears at least half of them cried.

As the details were read to him, it finally sunk in that NCT was successful enough to actually be able to support a tour overseas. He still tears up about it sometimes. The first person he wanted to celebrate with was Sicheng, and that’s when it hit him that Sicheng wouldn’t be coming.

He got a text from Sicheng that night that said, “Congrats! Heard about the tour, you guys are going to kill it!”

There were about a million happy emoticons after, but Yuta felt hollow. How could one of the original members of 127 not be able to come on their first world tour? He’d half wanted to march into Lee Sooman’s office and demand Sicheng be allowed to come, but WayV had their own schedule in China and a comeback to prepare for.

So. 127, minus Sicheng and plus Jungwoo were going to North America.

He doesn’t dislike Jungwoo per se. Honestly, he’s a really sweet person with a wicked sense of humor that takes Yuta off guard a lot of the time with just how funny he is. But he joined 127 right when talks about WayV became much realer, and Sicheng started getting phased out, so it’s hard to not see Jungwoo as a replacement sometimes. And no one can replace Sicheng.

Jungwoo talks to him about it right after one of their practices for the tour and it ends up being one of the most embarrassing moments of Yuta’s life. Jungwoo asks if he can spare a moment and then without preamble very calmly asks if Yuta dislikes him.

Yuta splutters very unattractively for a solid minute before remembering how to breath, and says no. Jungwoo only has to raise an eyebrow before Yuta finds himself somehow explaining everything. His thoughts about Sicheng, their somewhat one sided relationship, how upset he was that Sicheng couldn’t join their trip, Jungwoo being a replacement.

And like, okay calling Jungwoo a replacement is both really unfair and kind of mean. But Yuta’s only human. He doesn’t really think of Jungwoo like that, not really. As soon as the words leave his mouth, he winces and apologizes profusely but Jungwoo only smiles his weird little half smile.

They talk about it, have an honest to god conversation about Yuta’s love life and all his issues right there in the hallway. Jungwoo pats him on the back as he cries and keeps rambling about Sicheng and how pretty he is, but how much it hurts when he pushes Yuta away.

When he finally gets it together enough to stop getting tears and snot all over Jungwoo’s jacket, he tells him that he’s happy to have Jungwoo on tour and as a friend and means it.

*******

Yuta decides to stop letting Sicheng’s constant rejection hurt him on a Tuesday. They text at least once a week which is pretty good considering how busy their respective schedules keep them, but Yuta mentally creates some distance.

At first it leaves him feeling a little lost, but he actually notices himself feeling better. He’s less disappointed when Sicheng doesn’t respond to his affection. No expectations means he can’t be sad if things don’t go his way.

Yuta wonders if Sicheng can tell if there’s a difference in the way he interacts with him. He’s not there physically, so that meter can’t be used properly, but his texts used to contain a lot more emoticons. Maybe Sicheng just thinks Yuta has changed his texting style.

*******

One day, Yuta gets a package in the mail and he’s confused because he doesn’t remember ordering anything, but then he sees who it’s from. Sicheng. What could he be sending to Yuta and Yuta alone?

Only one way to find out. There’s random things Sicheng seems to have bought while in China that he thought Yuta would like. There’s even a picture of Sicheng from when he was younger, making the most adorable face at the camera that Yuta knows he must have had to ask his parents for.

At the very bottom, there’s also a note.

“Thank you,” it reads, “For loving me even when I didn’t love myself.”

Oh.

**Author's Note:**

> \- I'm still upset that Sicheng wasn't able to tour with 127. He's killing it in WayV, but as an original member of 127, he should have been able to go.  
\- Jungwoo is not, and never will be, a replacement. He's insanely talented and stands out on his own merit. 127 has ten members.  
\- I love Yuta.


End file.
